Our dreams will show it all, past, present, future

I said all i could and if i never hear from you, i gave it months and months of thought. Weeks of scrapped paper. Days where i could have just said fuck it. But in the end, im not going to give up even if i know its so far from my reach.

When you find urself talking and ur like holly shit..

Going day to day seems great and then i see how much has changed. Looks not so much, crib lots of upgrades, job i make it rain like never before, personal satisfaction wayyyy up their…..Personal happiness i might as well jump of the harrisburg bridge. Oh wait there’s “two”… Dammit.

I can’t listen to my favorite singer anymore until tonight. Amos Lee might as well just faded away. Chocolate definitely lost its smooth velvet taste. All the money i make from this new job, pointless. All i thought about, for HOURS after seeing my first check was… what could i do with all this if i had her? Well i paid bills thats for damn sure! But getting back on track it all really seems like a dark deep pit, without light, suffocating, hoping to die, wanting to let the deep take me. But i know none of it would help. Not a damn thing would change, so i gotta keep pushing forward. Give it my all because i think deep down….. you wanted me to be successful. I think? But it seems to be so not important now that my bed is empty anytime i sleep at what was once a house full of memories in such a short time. Waking up alone, i remembered how much it made me lose sleep. How much i wished i could wake up from the nightmare i gave myself. I did it to myself. I screwed up beyond belief. I deserve to be left truly alone even in my dreams….

Every month,

Each week,

Every day,

What can i do, maybe nothing. Maybe something. 

Im trying. I am doing everything to be that someone that can take care of himself. If you arnt giving up on life, why should I. Though my motives are different. I know who i want, but it seems such a bleak chance maybe im just kidding myself. But dammit i wont give up, “they” wouldn’t forgive me if i did.

If you’v made it this far, then congrats. You have a lot more heart than i could have thought. I have cried writing this letter so many damn times, so many ways. Each time makes me want to run find you. Run forever. I hope your doing well for urself. Your one tough cookie and i know you have the whole world waiting. Im still here whenever. 

Today i spoke about the past few months, and in doing so said….. not ex girlfriend. I said yes brady, how i wish i could somehow get to know my ex fiance again. 

Anyways i miss you, thats all i wanted to really say. Dang i drew that out. Im such a baby sometimes lol. 

-Leo