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Dreaming always takes me somewhere whether its an old memory, a nightmare, something i wish to remember or even something that could have been they all differ. This one i woke up with a smile but could feel the tears down my face. Still not sure how to feel about that….
Going day to day seems great and then i see how much has changed. Looks not so much, crib lots of upgrades, job i make it rain like never before, personal satisfaction wayyyy up their…..Personal happiness i might as well jump of the harrisburg bridge. Oh wait there’s “two”… Dammit.
I can’t listen to my favorite singer anymore until tonight. Amos Lee might as well just faded away. Chocolate definitely lost its smooth velvet taste. All the money i make from this new job, pointless. All i thought about, for HOURS after seeing my first check was… what could i do with all this if i had her? Well i paid bills thats for damn sure! But getting back on track it all really seems like a dark deep pit, without light, suffocating, hoping to die, wanting to let the deep take me. But i know none of it would help. Not a damn thing would change, so i gotta keep pushing forward. Give it my all because i think deep down….. you wanted me to be successful. I think? But it seems to be so not important now that my bed is empty anytime i sleep at what was once a house full of memories in such a short time. Waking up alone, i remembered how much it made me lose sleep. How much i wished i could wake up from the nightmare i gave myself. I did it to myself. I screwed up beyond belief. I deserve to be left truly alone even in my dreams….
What can i do, maybe nothing. Maybe something.
Im trying. I am doing everything to be that someone that can take care of himself. If you arnt giving up on life, why should I. Though my motives are different. I know who i want, but it seems such a bleak chance maybe im just kidding myself. But dammit i wont give up, “they” wouldn’t forgive me if i did.
If you’v made it this far, then congrats. You have a lot more heart than i could have thought. I have cried writing this letter so many damn times, so many ways. Each time makes me want to run find you. Run forever. I hope your doing well for urself. Your one tough cookie and i know you have the whole world waiting. Im still here whenever.
Today i spoke about the past few months, and in doing so said….. not ex girlfriend. I said yes brady, how i wish i could somehow get to know my ex fiance again.
Anyways i miss you, thats all i wanted to really say. Dang i drew that out. Im such a baby sometimes lol.
This is where my darling wants to go. I tell her we will, and i know deep down inside im worried that when we go i wont be able to get her back onto the plane. But im sure it will be worth it.